The Jeffrey Dahmer Paradox

“Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” – Matthew 18:18

It must seem strange to an essay from this outlet open with a quote from the Holy Bible. It is, in this instance, important for the framework of this entry. It establishes the idea of dogmatic law, defined as: “the orthodox or heterodox meaning of a book or proposition”. This pulls from the idea of dogma, which itself is just a short word for a truth that has been revealed by god. So taking those pieces, the orthodox meaning from the Book of Matthew is the old adage, “As above, so below” or what we hold true on Earth is held true in Heaven. This is a dogmatic law and it is very important to Christians and Catholics because it establishes infallible rules that tie their Earthly book and preaching to the fantastical world of Heaven. Without dogmatic law there is nothing to provide any weight or tangible value to the words they spew from the pulpit and the ink on the page of their Bibles are just that, hot breath and ink on pages. However with this complex set of mental gymnastics they have established that God, for whatever reason, will uphold any promises made on his behalf, as long as it comes from the “Good Book” and is relayed by one who speaks in his place.

It’s confusing, I know, why would any omnipotent being agree to such restraint? How could any God of immeasurable power be bound by the words of mortal man? They couldn’t, but now that you understand the basic premise, I can get on to the meat of this essay. For the purposes of this entry, let’s just pretend that Heaven, Hell, God, The Devil, all of it is ALL real, and the Bible is in fact, gospel truth. Suspend disbelief with me for a few minutes.

In 1994, infamous cannibal serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer was baptized in a short ceremony at the prison in Wisconsin where he spent the rest of his numbered days. Minister Roy Ratcliff performed the ceremony and, in God’s name, absolved Jeff of his sins. He even went so far as to befriend the man who had raped, butchered, and casually eaten at least 17 young men and boys. This caused a schism in the ranks of Minister Ratcliff’s congregation, of course, with many parishioners seeking new pastures to graze in. Others voiced their disapproval, ironically, of a man doing his sworn duty and trying to save the soul of a sinner. When asked if they felt the baptism would see Jeff to the pearly gates, many people said “That is up to God to decide.”

Is it really though? Matthew 18:18 up there proves otherwise. Dogmatic law clearly states that when Minister Ratcliff dunked Jeffrey Dahmers head in that steel bathtub and said the short prayer, Jeff was a Child of God when he emerged and absolved of all sin. His immortal soul was clean and he could walk into Paradise with his head held high. It is pretty black and white.

The Catholics have operated under this “Sin on Saturday, pray on Sunday” cycle for centuries. The cliche of the mafia boss in church is a classic example of the loophole that has been exploited since its inception. It also rings loudly of the Hypocrite I detailed in my previous essay.

Thus, in summation, every good Christian who works all their life to appease God and live a good Christian life, will pass beyond the Pearly Gates, and find themselves in the company of a gay man who drugged and tortured people for fun. They may be shocked to see how many despicable figures they now get to spend an eternity with.

Present this paradox to the missionaries who come to your door looking to save your eternal soul from damnation. Watch the uncertainty in their face as they try to spin this shit into gold!

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